Well, it has been a month and a half, since Daddy died. And, almost exactly a month since I buried both him and Momma. So much change, turmoil, conflict, and utter exhaustion.
I still have not gone to pick out the headstones yet. I keep trying to turn into the cemetery, and my car just won't do it. I really need to do it, but I had a wonderful friend tell me that the more I pressure myself to do that, the more it will become an issue, so I am just winging it. I will get them picked out and placed when I get it done. I know where they are, and that is what counts.
The emotions of being without any parents are vast and sometimes overwhelming. My Momma was my best friend, and my Daddy was just my Daddy. I miss them both so much, that sometimes the sadness is overwhelming.
I have been to two sessions of grief counseling, and they have been wonderful. The advice that has been given to me to try to overcome the flashbacks of Daddy's death, seems to be helping a little bit. They still come a lot, but I go with them, and don't fight them, and that does seem to be helping. I have talked to a lot of people about the flashbacks, and the general consensus is that they get better. God, I hope so.
I feel very overwhelmed by the vast amount of things that need to be done. Probate, all their belongings, the house and property... sometimes, it just seems like too much to handle by myself. Then I remind myself, that I was raised to be strong, and YES, I can do this.
I have only been down to his house, and started going through things, this past week. I just couldn't do it for the first few weeks, for some reason. But, I go down, by myself, and remember the happy, the sad, and good and the bad, and just enjoy the memories of them.
The turmoil of every day bullshit seems to be more than usual, as well. I think it is not, really. I think my capacity for the bullshit is very short. Hopefully, that will get better with time, as well. I am also trying to cut the bullshit out of my life. I have a personality, that lets the bullshit go on and on. That has got to stop. The time to grow up and cut that out of my life is now. I have the opportunity to make a crappy situation better, and if I don't take it, then it is on me.
I appreciate the cards, letters, texts, and emails, that are still coming. They help and it is nice to know, that people are thinking of me.