How are you feeling?

"How are you feeling".  Seems like a simple sentence, doesn't it?

My standard answer right now, is OK. I honestly don't know what to say. I am not fine, I am not good, I am not your usual standard answers. I am OK. That is the best I can come up with right now. It seems to change pretty quickly from one extreme to the other.

I am not a cryer. I have wished I was a cryer for many years. That seems to be a great release, which I can't seem to do, but every so often. I cried at Mommas bedside, when she passed away. I cried at Daddy's bedside when he passed away. That is about it.

I have always kept my emotions inside, and I control them with an iron grip. I have since about 1990. Things happen in life, that teach you to control what you can control. I control my emotions, because that was the only thing I felt like I had control over at that time, and it has become such an ingrained habit, I can't seem to shake it.

Hopefully the grief counseling I start on Tuesday, will help me with this issue. These emotions need to come out, and if they don't, I believe you will suffer somehow, possibly physically. I do not need anymore physical problems. I have had more than my share.

So, I am looking forward to starting the process of releasing these emotions, or rather, learning to release these emotions.

Maybe then, when people ask me "How are you feeling?" I can answer with something that sounds not so cold. Maybe I can honestly answer, with how I AM feeling.. or at least I can feel like I can.