Depression. It is a funny business. I have fought depression over other things, my whole life. Being sick for so many years, not being able to run around and play like I wanted to, with my son. Not being able to do much of anything for so many years, except watch everybody else do the things I wanted to do. I thought that was the worst of my personal depression.
How wrong I was. This is depression. I am completely lost. I feel like I have to be busy all the time. I am so used to being on a dead run, that even the running around getting all the legal things and final arrangements for the burial, is nothing. I have too much time. I am exhausted, losing weight at a rapid pace, and just completely lost. I honestly don't know what to do with myself.
I have spent three years, taking care of somebody who is no longer here to take care of. What do I do? I still have the house to clean out, the shop, the attic, and all the rest of the things, that go along with the death of a loved one. But, I have time now. I have time to clean my own house, time to do the repairs and home improvements I have been wanting to do, and need to finish, time to work again, time to spend with my family.
So, why do I feel so lost? I have been needing this time, and wanting this time. I have it now, and I have no idea what to do with it. I suppose it will take an adjustment period to sort all this out. I hope this is a quick adjustment period. I do not like feeling this way. I am so tired, but can't really sleep. Hopefully with a little rest, my mood with sort itself out.