Monday, January 23, 2012

Immediate Aftermath...

Well, it has been 2 days since Daddy passed. I had a pretty good day yesterday, however today, has been an emotional roller coaster.

All normal, from what everybody tells me. One thing I want everybody to understand, is when my Momma passed 3 years ago, I never had a chance to mourn her properly. Daddy really wouldn't let me. Immediately after the funeral, we had to go get my name put on everything. The house, banks accounts, cars, ATV, everything. We had to go get new will's made for him, and power of attorney.. all the legal things were finished exactly one month after she passed away.

I tried to get him to grieve, even to go to grief counseling. All to no avail. I needed to go to the grief counseling, and told him so. I said, if we went together, it would be good for both of us. It would help us through these emotions, and we could in turn, help each other. He would not hear of it. He said I didn't need it either. That I was a tough girl, and I didn't need somebody to sort through the emotions with me. So not true!!

He was sick before she passed. He got progressively worse after he lost her. Everybody who knows the man, is surprised he lived this long, after her.

So in not being able to mourn her, I am mourning her and him, at the same time now. I think, if possible, her more than him. I was terribly close to my Momma. She was my best friend. Everybody who knew that woman, loved her immediately. I was not a Daddy's girl. I was a Momma's girl.

I went down, alone today, to their house. It was a funny feeling. No Momma. No Daddy. Just me. I went from room to room, looking at their things they collected over the course of their lives, and realized the process of grieving has FINALLY begun for me... for both of them.

Those of you who don't know my Daddy, probably won't understand any of this. Hell, I don't understand it myself. He missed her, and mourned her in his own way, without giving me the opportunity to do so myself. That was not a fair thing for him to do, but he knew no other way. He needed me to take care of him, and maybe he figured I wouldn't be able to do that, if I was mourning Momma. I just don't know.

I do know, that finally my chance has arrived. I talked to her today, in every room of their house. I remembered all sorts of crazy things we had done together and told her so. I told him, a lot of these same things, as well.

Grief is a strange emotion. There are the "guidelines" which we follow. Everybody follows those in their own way. My time to do it, my way, is here. So all the emotions seems to be doubled for me right now. Good thing or bad thing? Who knows, and frankly, who cares. I am doing it my way, and I have never done anything like anybody else.

RIP Momma and Daddy.

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