Life is funny...

I just saw another 3am pass me by, and I am up with such a stiff neck and a whirling mind. Stress, I would guess. 

My friend Mary Beth, said something to me yesterday, that really has me thinking about how life is funny.

In July 2008, I had my open heart surgery. Finally, after years of being sick, I was going to be well. The future was looking so bright.

In December 2008, my Momma passed away after being sick with leukemia for 8 years. That was, and has been, the worst experience of my life. I was in her hospital room, all by myself, and watched her pass. I had to notify everybody, make all the arrangements, take care of everything, because Daddy was heartbroken.  

In June 2009, my Mother in law passed away. Luckily, Scotts family took care of that, and my Father in law has done extremely well. 

So, Mary Beth got me thinking. I have been taking care of Daddy since Momma passed. 3 years.... 3 very long years. During these three years, he has been hospitalized somewhere around 6 times. Most of these hospitalizations have been due to his COPD. However, the first time he was hospitalized was because of alcohol poisoning. He quit drinking that very day, for which I will always be thankful. After a couple of times being very sick with bronchitis and pneumonia, he was put on Oxygen 24 hours a day. Sometime last year, he was still able to get out and about, and he went out to the range to target shoot. A 9mm casing ejected to the back, instead of to the side, and hit his oxygen tube which caused the oxygen to ignite and blow up in his face. That required a stay in the burn center, in Augusta Ga, for a weekend. 

During these three years, I have had to take over doing everything in his house. Cooking, cleaning, laundry, bills, and taking care of him. Mary Beth, you are right.... I have to start taking care of me. I have no idea what life is like, not being sick, not having all this responsibility. Everybody has been telling me this for quite some time.. don't forget to take care of yourself. Well, I have not been taking care of myself, because he has had to come first.

Wed morning, I have an interview with a company, that hopefully will start being able to provide me with the help that I need. They can provide people who should be able to help me. What exactly they can, and will do, I am not sure yet, but will get all the details on Wed.

I am running on empty. In order for me to have a life he is going to have to accept these people coming in to help him, which in turn, helps me. He doesn't like it, but he is just going to have to accept it. Like Scott has been telling for quite some time...  Daddy has used me up with a lot of silly things over the last three years. Now when he really needs me, I don't have much left to give.

I have no idea what it is like, to be able to enjoy life not being sick or overwhelmed with responsibility. At 39 years old, I was at deaths door. At 43 years old, I need to discover what life is really like without the responsibility of caring for him, and being on call 24 hours a day. 

So Mary Beth, thank you for putting the way you did. I had not thought about it like that. My family needs me, and they have not had me for a long time. I need to be there for them, as well as Daddy, but my family has to start coming first. I need to live my life, which I have not been doing.