Monday, January 16, 2012

Sometimes it takes come disruption...

Sometimes it takes some disruption in life, to make us realize some things.

My Daddy is a very hard man to deal with. All of my life, I have never been good enough for him. He should have had a son, no question in my mind.

He has always been psychologically and physically distant from me. I rarely got hugs, affection or anything from him when I was a child or as an adult. Which is ok. When you don't have that, you don't really know what you are missing.

I married the antithesis of my Daddy. A man who is very affectionate, loves to hug, snuggle, and be as close to me as he can. So, I guess in my heart, I knew I wanted somebody who was totally different than Daddy.

His nicknames for me are as follows: Brat, Pinhead, and Piglet. All are said with the little affection he can give me, and they can be cute. But, that is a good example of how he thinks of me.

When I was younger, and living at home, his idea of spending time with me was "Come on Brat, let's go change the brakes on the Maxima". That is his idea of spending time with me. Him, doing chores, and me being his gopher. Never once, did we just spend time together, talking or doing any of the things, that I wished now, we would have. I remember once, my Momma said, "Why don't you take her out for ice cream or something fun"?  His answer was that was a waste of his time.

I learned to shoot, and may I say, I shoot damn well, because that was something he loved doing. It was my way of trying to be something he wanted me to be. That is time that we did spend together that was fun. That was the only thing, I have ever done, that he has been proud of. He would tell his friends and whoever would listen, that I was an excellent shot.

When I was in the hospital, after my open heart surgery, he came to see me once. That is it. He was too busy to come see me after that one time.

It is funny how you learn things about yourself and others, during sleepless nights and disruption of your everyday life. I am a good person. I am doing something he would never do. I became something he should be proud of. Most people would have stuck him in a nursing home at the first sign of anything that would require the level of care I am giving him. I did not. I am being the person I am, and the person who he helped shape along the way. I am proud of me, whether he is or not.

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